Today for some reason is an exceptionally hard day. I'm not sure why. All I do know is I woke up feeling a huge pit in my stomach. I've been close to tears all morning. I can feel them brimming up in my eyes once I start thinking about it. I wish I could understand why some days were like this. There are days I am full of hope and full of appreciation. Today I feel grateful, of course, but I also feel really low. I feel empty and weak. I feel anything but strong. My heart aches, and I feel alone. Greg offered to talk this morning and tried prying it out of me, but I don't even know what to say. There's no reason for it really. I just feel this way. It's a day I wish I had nothing on my plate and could justify sleeping all day or at the very least cuddling up on the couch and losing myself in a mindless book.
Yesterday I was somewhere in between. My folks left for Washington, and I hated seeing them go. As much as it's hard sometimes to have them here (we're all fighting for space in our small kitchen), I feel so much comfort and peace when they are. I mean, they're my parents. I always feel happier when I am near them. And with my mom knowing some of the things that have been going on the last couple of months, she kind of gets it.
Not mentioning Zane showed some of his true colors while they were here. She, well really THEY, both know how challenging he can be for me at times and why so many times I turn numb when he's having one of his episodes. It just drains me. And when it happens time after time I go in to a quiet place and numb up.
But today is a little different. Nothing has happened. Nothing went wrong. Greg loves me more than ever and has been ever so attentive to taking care of me. And for that I am grateful.
The gym was weird, just like it so often is anymore. My escape now is anything but - at least that early in the morning. I feel so out of sorts - like everyone is strangers to me. I don't really know them, and they don't really know me. They don't know what's been going on or how I've been feeling. Maybe that is partly what's played on my emotions this morning. I do miss the better days at the gym. When I felt like some of my real friends had my back and I theirs.
Not much more to say. Just an overwhelming feeling I have today that I'm sure I'll be fighting.
Time to put on the fake smile and force my way through the day.
I do believe there is much to be said about faking it til you make it. I believe I can change this feeling for the better if I try.
So that I shall... :)
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