Yesterday gave me HOPE

Yesterday I let the spirit in, and it's amazing what a difference it made.

Yesterday was the Sabbath. For the last several months I can't even begin to tell you what mixed feelings I've had about the Sabbath. Every Friday comes, and I am so thankful for the weekend. It's the time I look forward to spending with my family. Saturdays are usually either crazy busy or completely lazy, but either way it's time we can choose for ourselves what we want to do as a family.

On Sundays we go to church.

For so many years I've gone with Greg with a willing heart. But lately I'm sure because of some of the other struggles I've had personally, it's taken much more effort to want to go. Usually I would, but each week I'd look for excuses to make my appearance late. Hadn't showered. Still working on my primary lesson. Tired. Weak. Lazy. Sick. But I'd still go, and I'd count the minutes until it was through.

Sometimes if I allowed myself to really listen, I'd feel the spirit if even for a moment. But it would be fleeting, and I'd back to the same rut.

This was all on me. It was my fault. My attitude. My lack of respect. My lack of interest. My guilt. The heaviness weighed on my heart, and being there...hurt.

Yesterday, I felt a renewed hope in heart. I wanted to be there. And it wasn't because church had changed, but because my heart had.

I wanted to be there because I want to change. I want to be that grateful, appreciative, loving, engaged sister that I used to be. I want to find that happiness that I had before.

As I've mentioned so often lately I am a great pretender. I am great at not letting people see the real person who struggles behind my "mask". I get along fine socially, but I haven't been the real "me" for months.

On occasions I've even convinced myself that I was "fine" and that I didn't need changing but that everything else was all wrong. I had convinced myself that was I was happy, but deep down I knew I wasn't. I just didn't want to own up to it.

Yesterday was like a breath of fresh air, and though I have so much further to go, and I know I am not fixed yet, I do know that I have hope.