I can tell Today is going to be Hard

Today for some reason is an exceptionally hard day. I'm not sure why. All I do know is I woke up feeling a huge pit in my stomach. I've been close to tears all morning. I can feel them brimming up in my eyes once I start thinking about it. I wish I could understand why some days were like this. There are days I am full of hope and full of appreciation. Today I feel grateful, of course, but I also feel really low. I feel empty and weak. I feel anything but strong. My heart aches, and I feel alone. Greg offered to talk this morning and tried prying it out of me, but I don't even know what to say. There's no reason for it really. I just feel this way. It's a day I wish I had nothing on my plate and could justify sleeping all day or at the very least cuddling up on the couch and losing myself in a mindless book. 

Yesterday I was somewhere in between. My folks left for Washington, and I hated seeing them go. As much as it's hard sometimes to have them here (we're all fighting for space in our small kitchen), I feel so much comfort and peace when they are. I mean, they're my parents. I always feel happier when I am near them. And with my mom knowing some of the things that have been going on the last couple of months, she kind of gets it. 

Not mentioning Zane showed some of his true colors while they were here. She, well really THEY, both know how challenging he can be for me at times and why so many times I turn numb when he's having one of his episodes. It just drains me. And when it happens time after time I go in to a quiet place and numb up. 

But today is a little different. Nothing has happened. Nothing went wrong. Greg loves me more than ever and has been ever so attentive to taking care of me. And for that I am grateful. 

The gym was weird, just like it so often is anymore. My escape now is anything but - at least that early in the morning. I feel so out of sorts - like everyone is strangers to me. I don't really know them, and they don't really know me. They don't know what's been going on or how I've been feeling. Maybe that is partly what's played on my emotions this morning. I do miss the better days at the gym. When I felt like some of my real friends had my back and I theirs. 

Not much more to say. Just an overwhelming feeling I have today that I'm sure I'll be fighting. 

Time to put on the fake smile and force my way through the day. 

I do believe there is much to be said about faking it til you make it. I believe I can change this feeling for the better if I try. 

So that I shall... :) 

More Time with the Kids

It really is the little things. I don't care who you are, how much you have on your plate, how busy your schedule is, or what excuse you can come up with. 

Spending time with your kids doing kid stuff makes all the difference in the world.

My oldest boy doesn't show interest in much of anything. He is a complete bookworm and video addict. 

It's hard to get any kind of reaction out of him - especially when it comes to excitement. 

Yesterday when we got home from church and after Daddy had left for meetings, I decided to "make" the three of us (me and my two kiddos) bake "Halloween Monster" brownies. 

Not only did they have fun adding ingredients, stirring, and decorating, but when we were all done, my oldest (the non-doer non-participator) asked when we could do it again. 

Just goes to show it's not enough to simply ask what your children want to do. Getting them involved even if at first its non-voluntary can turn out to be a fun and memorable event. 

How many opportunities have I missed because I thought he didn't want to do something? So many. Too many to count.

Yesterday was a teaching moment for me as a mom that sometimes we just have to do. 

Yesterday gave me HOPE

Yesterday I let the spirit in, and it's amazing what a difference it made.

Yesterday was the Sabbath. For the last several months I can't even begin to tell you what mixed feelings I've had about the Sabbath. Every Friday comes, and I am so thankful for the weekend. It's the time I look forward to spending with my family. Saturdays are usually either crazy busy or completely lazy, but either way it's time we can choose for ourselves what we want to do as a family.

On Sundays we go to church.

For so many years I've gone with Greg with a willing heart. But lately I'm sure because of some of the other struggles I've had personally, it's taken much more effort to want to go. Usually I would, but each week I'd look for excuses to make my appearance late. Hadn't showered. Still working on my primary lesson. Tired. Weak. Lazy. Sick. But I'd still go, and I'd count the minutes until it was through.

Sometimes if I allowed myself to really listen, I'd feel the spirit if even for a moment. But it would be fleeting, and I'd back to the same rut.

This was all on me. It was my fault. My attitude. My lack of respect. My lack of interest. My guilt. The heaviness weighed on my heart, and being there...hurt.

Yesterday, I felt a renewed hope in heart. I wanted to be there. And it wasn't because church had changed, but because my heart had.

I wanted to be there because I want to change. I want to be that grateful, appreciative, loving, engaged sister that I used to be. I want to find that happiness that I had before.

As I've mentioned so often lately I am a great pretender. I am great at not letting people see the real person who struggles behind my "mask". I get along fine socially, but I haven't been the real "me" for months.

On occasions I've even convinced myself that I was "fine" and that I didn't need changing but that everything else was all wrong. I had convinced myself that was I was happy, but deep down I knew I wasn't. I just didn't want to own up to it.

Yesterday was like a breath of fresh air, and though I have so much further to go, and I know I am not fixed yet, I do know that I have hope.